A few Sundays ago while I was preaching (a characteristically brilliant sermon – you should’ve been here) I made an aside about how we old geezers used to tell time, before God created smart phones. Back around the time we discovered fire and invented the wheel … we used these things we wore on our wrists called “watches.” If you look closely you can still see people wearing them today, sort of a throwback to a simpler time … called the 90’s.
It occurred to me many, perhaps most, of our younger people in attendance never use one of those. They rely on their phones to tell them what time it is. And when to wake up in the morning. And who is texting them. And what videos are trending on YouTube and Instagram. And … and … and … you get the idea.
So I held up my watch for everyone to see, just in case it was an unfamiliar or unknown object to some. Afterward I thought about the differences between watches and smart phones*, which led me to the following –
Why watches are better than smart phones:
• Watches never go off in the middle of a meeting (worship service, funeral, wedding, class, seminar, kids’ school assembly, etc.), embarrass their owners and annoy everyone else.
• You don’t have to type in a code to get your watch to communicate with you.
• Watches never give you the wrong directions.
• You never see teenagers (or non-teenagers) walking around with their heads down, staring at their watches. Or sitting five-six around a table with their heads down, staring at their watches. Or at a party with their heads down, staring at their watches. Or ….
• No one’s going to get arthritis in his or her thumbs pounding away at both sides of his or her watch.
• People don’t spend (read: “waste”) countless hours playing games on their watches.
• Watches never lose their signal in “dead zones.”
• You don’t have to charge your watch’s battery every night.
• You don’t have to pay hundreds of dollars to use your watch every month.
• You don’t have to upgrade your watch (to the tune of hundreds of dollars) every twelve-eighteen months.
• No one looks at you with pity and talks to you condescendingly because your watch is two years old.
• You don’t have to buy a protective cocoon for your watch in case you drop it … which you will do, many times before you have to upgrade it.
• You don’t have to buy insurance for your watch.
• No one takes “selfies” with his or her watch and posts them on Facebook.
• They don’t take unwanted, unsolicited, unflattering photos or videos of you, either.
• They don’t forward unwanted, unsolicited, unflattering photos or videos of you to other people.
• They don’t shove their watch in your face and ask you to look at unwanted, unsolicited, unflattering photos or videos of someone else. Or cats.
• If you lose your watch, or someone steals it – which is unlikely, as most thieves do not place much value on such relics – you don’t have to worry about the creep being able to access all your private, personal information. Or all those unflattering photos or videos of you.
• Telemarketers (and other annoying life forms) don’t call you on your watch, even after you’ve told them politely – OK, maybe not so politely – to take you off their call lists.
• Last year there were 0 reports of traffic accidents, much less fatalities, caused by people staring at their watches while they drive. Or the year before that. Or the year before that. Or ….
So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen – reasons watches are superior to smart phones. I bet you have a couple you could add …. If so, please, feel free to share with the rest of us. That’s why God created the Comments section.
That’s all for now – my phone is ringing. And showing that I have seven text messages. And three voice mails. And twenty-six emails. And a severe weather alert. And that I need to update something or other. And … and … and … you get the idea.